I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
