Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
this hospital has no fireball
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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