nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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