He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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