I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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