We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
