I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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