i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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