new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I met the friendliest cop last night
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
