i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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