I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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