I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
