I'm so fucking centered right now
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
