I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize