You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Panties = found
Randomize
