Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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