Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
