Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize