there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
