RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize