There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
