If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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