I want to walk on stilts...naked
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I smell like Dick and happiness
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