my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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