We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
