Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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