From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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