She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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