I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
