Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
