i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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