i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
