He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
