Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
