4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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