Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
