i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
