Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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