Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
