Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
