Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
