Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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