I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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