I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
