you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
either way he was missing a nipple.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
