I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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