one two three fourrrrnication!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
