I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
