I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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