I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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