I only kidnapped one of them. chill
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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