I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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