Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
