There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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