life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
